Trump & Musk’s Productivity Purge: Read the Email or Read the Unemployment Line!

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Breaking news: Former President Donald Trump has teamed up with none other than Chief of Mars Operations Elon Musk to deliver an ultimatum to federal employees—respond to the productivity email… or pack your bags!

Yes, you heard that right. The U.S. government, an institution famous for its speed and efficiency (pause for laughter), is now running on Musk Time™—which means if you’re not checking your inbox faster than a Tesla in Ludicrous Mode, you’re out.

Sources say the email, subject line: “Work Harder or Else”, contained very important productivity guidelines, likely including:

✅ No remote work (unless you’re on a SpaceX rocket)

✅ Meetings should last no longer than a Starlink satellite connection

✅ Coffee breaks are for winners (but only five minutes, and you must recite Tesla stock prices during them)

Now, let’s talk consequences. If a federal employee ignores this email, Trump says they will be FIRED! And let’s be honest, if there’s one thing Trump enjoys more than a rally, it’s saying, “You’re fired!” in front of a camera. Some sources claim he’s already practicing in the mirror.

But let’s not forget—this is Washington D.C. we’re talking about. Some employees have been ignoring emails since the Nixon administration. One anonymous bureaucrat reportedly responded, “I’ll get to it by 2032.”

Elon Musk, never one to back down from a challenge, doubled down, tweeting: “Efficiency is everything. If you can’t respond to an email, how can you colonize Mars?”

So, what happens next? Will federal workers finally learn to hit “reply” faster than Musk can name his next child “X Æ Productivity”? Or will the government grind to a halt as inboxes fill with unread messages labeled URGENT?

Stay tuned. And for those working in federal offices—CHECK YOUR EMAILS NOW!

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